(X) Memorial Day Memories
As I stood at attention for taps at 3pm today (though I'm not military anymore, and wasn't for that long) I feel completely inadequate.
I thought of my father, and my mother. Both who served in the United States Army. I thought of the Marine Corp flag that my father gave me when I joined, that had once been his grandfather's. I thought of the graveyard that I had passed through only weeks before, photographing the broken headstones, and stopping to give note to the stone of a corporal.
As I faced the only flag that I had available, the digital one that I had posted on my website only moments before (reminding people too late to remember memorial day for what it is, a time of rememberance rather than a day for bbqs and shopping, I thought of what really kept me from completing my service. I broke my legs, but more than that, I let them stay broken. I probably could have run that Crucible with stress fractures. Stemler swore she would carry me if I fell. There was a Marine there who had bene working on stress fractures for years, they always hurt, but he still did his duty.
Am I a schmuck? I think about all the people who fought for this country, not out of pride or anger for their 'enemy' but for the protection and service of the country that is their home, that is home to their families. I wonder, am I a schmuck for whining that I can't use the Veteran's Hospital for my 6 month participation in Marine Corp Boot Camp when there are people who served a life time and are getting jerked around? Am I a schmuck for letting a girl who couldn't tie her own shoes become a Marine while I went home? (Or rather for letting you have her protect you rather than me.) Would I be any better just because I can tie my boots and not flag half the platoon on the rifle range? Am I a schmuck for giving up. For choosing to stay broken.
Can I be sated in the fact that hopefully as a teacher I can teach young minds to be strong, kind, maybe to teach them all to avoid war and possibly hope that if every teacher does the same that there needn't be any war? Or is that just my string that I cling to, to make me feel better.
I was honorably discharged from Marine Corps service as an E-2, recieving my promotion for time in grade. My DD214 states a medical discharge, fractures of both tibia. Everything says that I should be proud of what I did, how far I got. But I know I could have gone farther. Would it be better?
In the long run, if my plans had succeeded I would have graduated boot camp, married that schmuck I was engaged to, toted off to some far off region of the world and who knows who I would have become. Instead, I lie on my broken legs and willed them to stay broken so I could go home. I had time to think and become disenchanted with the immature male that I was bound to, and vowed to break it off when I got home. When I did only weeks later (like 2, seriously) I was met by someone at my doorstep that I would later (not too later lol) becaome engaged to. Someone that I love more than anything. Someone who loves me.
So, is it worth it? Do all the pieces add up to something that I should be proud of? Do all the players forgive me for giving up, can I forgive myself? It looks like the best thing that I've ever done. I grew up, I came home with that growth and grew up some more.
So why do I feel like such a schmuck, and why do I dream of finishing what I started and gave up on? ....
I thought of my father, and my mother. Both who served in the United States Army. I thought of the Marine Corp flag that my father gave me when I joined, that had once been his grandfather's. I thought of the graveyard that I had passed through only weeks before, photographing the broken headstones, and stopping to give note to the stone of a corporal.
As I faced the only flag that I had available, the digital one that I had posted on my website only moments before (reminding people too late to remember memorial day for what it is, a time of rememberance rather than a day for bbqs and shopping, I thought of what really kept me from completing my service. I broke my legs, but more than that, I let them stay broken. I probably could have run that Crucible with stress fractures. Stemler swore she would carry me if I fell. There was a Marine there who had bene working on stress fractures for years, they always hurt, but he still did his duty.
Am I a schmuck? I think about all the people who fought for this country, not out of pride or anger for their 'enemy' but for the protection and service of the country that is their home, that is home to their families. I wonder, am I a schmuck for whining that I can't use the Veteran's Hospital for my 6 month participation in Marine Corp Boot Camp when there are people who served a life time and are getting jerked around? Am I a schmuck for letting a girl who couldn't tie her own shoes become a Marine while I went home? (Or rather for letting you have her protect you rather than me.) Would I be any better just because I can tie my boots and not flag half the platoon on the rifle range? Am I a schmuck for giving up. For choosing to stay broken.
Can I be sated in the fact that hopefully as a teacher I can teach young minds to be strong, kind, maybe to teach them all to avoid war and possibly hope that if every teacher does the same that there needn't be any war? Or is that just my string that I cling to, to make me feel better.
I was honorably discharged from Marine Corps service as an E-2, recieving my promotion for time in grade. My DD214 states a medical discharge, fractures of both tibia. Everything says that I should be proud of what I did, how far I got. But I know I could have gone farther. Would it be better?
In the long run, if my plans had succeeded I would have graduated boot camp, married that schmuck I was engaged to, toted off to some far off region of the world and who knows who I would have become. Instead, I lie on my broken legs and willed them to stay broken so I could go home. I had time to think and become disenchanted with the immature male that I was bound to, and vowed to break it off when I got home. When I did only weeks later (like 2, seriously) I was met by someone at my doorstep that I would later (not too later lol) becaome engaged to. Someone that I love more than anything. Someone who loves me.
So, is it worth it? Do all the pieces add up to something that I should be proud of? Do all the players forgive me for giving up, can I forgive myself? It looks like the best thing that I've ever done. I grew up, I came home with that growth and grew up some more.
So why do I feel like such a schmuck, and why do I dream of finishing what I started and gave up on? ....
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